This time last year, I was so lost in love. It’s the kind of love that leaves you breathless. I can still remember it. The moment you asked me if I can be your boyfriend. The moment I said “yes”. The moment I thought would be the start of something beautiful that we’d share for a long, long time.
Exactly six months ago, I lost myself. I was breathless but that time, I was suffocating. I was so busy making you feel special that I completely forgot that I am special too. That I matter. And more importantly, that I should’ve been enough. Because I was more than enough.
Some of the most difficult questions to answer at that time were: “Kamusta na kayo ni *****?” and “Kasama mo ba s’ya pauwi?”. But the most excruciating of all was, “Are you okay, Pao?”
I was not okay nung mga panahong ‘yun. I was in pain. Puta, friends. Sobrang sakit, mas masakit pa kaysa nung nabato ako ng floor tile sa ulo. Imagine that and multiply the magnitude of pain by a million times. Even by then siguro, baka nga hindi pa rin enough yun eh. Pero kasalanan ko naman eh, I was the one who wanted an “out”. I chose to broke it off. Or at least, I was the one who had the guts to end things while it was still beautiful.
“Eh ang tanga mo pala eh. Bakit ka nakipag-break? Mahal mo pa naman pala?”
Yes, I admit it. I still love him when I broke up with him. I love him. But I didn’t want to love him anymore. I wanted to be happy. Nung mga panahon na yun, masaya ako sa aming dalawa. But deep inside, I was unhappy and alone. I lost sense of who I was. Nawala yung “ako“.
Being in a long distance relationship was not easy. We had a 7-hr time difference. I had to be contented with a virtual version of you. But I didn’t mind. Waking up and hearing your voice was what made my mornings bright. Rushing home after class to talk to you was not an issue. We’d have dinner (lunch for you) dates. We tried our very best to make it work. It was hard but it was worth it. I thought it was worth it.
And then it happened. You broke my trust. I cried for days. Pero despite everything, I forgave you. You were persistent and made promises. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, baka naman kasi kelangan lang natin magkita. Baka naman we just needed to remind ourselves kung gano kaganda yung meron tayo.
And then we saw each other again. Everything was back to normal. Akala ko nun tapos na yung hard part. Nagkamali ako. Mali na naman ako.
That was the time when I told myself that the relationship was not working out anymore. And we broke up just after my final exams. I needed to get away after that. I needed to find myself. So I went away, far away from all the places and things that reminded me of you. There was a lot of times that I wanted to get back together. But I had to be strong, even if my heart was breaking into million little pieces. And the only way to stop it from breaking was to not be together.
Hindi mo kinaya. You took it really hard. You had a lot of things to say about me. I found out that you were spreading false stories of what really happened. You made it look like I was the villain and you were a victim while I kept silent, all because I wanted to protect you. Because even after everything that has happened, you will always be special. I was wrong again. We had a confrontation. We said our apologies. We just stopped talking after that, and that was it. That was the end.
The days and months that followed that was a continuous process of moving on and finding myself again. Sobrang hirap pero kinaya ko. Pinilit kong kayanin. Through the support of my friends and family, I was able to pull through. However, I’m not sorry that it happened. Our relationship made me a better person. Feeling ko, it made me a lot stronger and wiser. I have become a little bit cynical but I hope it would all go away in time. And most importantly, ramdam ko na ulit na masaya na ako. Single, contented and happy.
Sabi nila, malalaman mong okay ka na pag kaya mo nang i-kwento. May konting kirot pa pero I am very hopeful na mawawala din ‘to. Sana kasabay ng pag-post ko nito, the healing process will be complete. Feeling ko sobrang babaw, pero baka ito lang talaga yung hinihintay ko. ‘Yung kaya ko nang ikwento. Yung naka-ngiti na ko pagsakay ko mamaya sa eroplano. ‘Yung pagbaba ko mamaya, masasabi kong this is really the start of something new.